Saturday, December 8, 2012

The Ballad of the Expectant Mother


Greetings from the third trimester!



I haven't written much lately because I've been quite busy with impending motherhood (and a forthcoming adventure at Tributaries Press, about which much more will be said very soon), but I decided to take a little time out this evening and put some thoughts to verse. If you or someone you know is with child, then I hope you'll find this poem helpful. Also, if you don't intend on ever becoming or befriending someone who is pregnant, then this should confirm your plans nicely.

The Ballad of the Expectant Mother
(or, "Because I'm Pregnant, It's Allowed")

I have no intention of brightening my mood-
Because I’m pregnant, it’s allowed.
Unless you might care to fetch me some food-
Because I’m pregnant, it’s allowed.
I’ll staunch the cascade of tears from my eyes
While plowing through multiple apple crumb pies
And redefining a Snickers bar’s “fun” size-
Because I’m pregnant, it’s allowed.

I’ll send Husband on a late-night ice cream run-
Because I’m pregnant, it’s allowed.
Don’t care if the clock reads a quarter to one-
Because I’m pregnant, it’s allowed.
While he’s questing, I might soak in the tub,
Or eat the last serving of leftover grub,
But when he returns, I’ll request a back rub-
Because I’m pregnant, it’s allowed.

For a bathroom stall I won’t be waiting,
So just let me pass and we’ll be friends.
With my waist so much fatter, and a kid on my bladder…
If you don’t, you won’t like how this ends.

I’ll roll my eyes during long meetings at work-
Because I’m pregnant, it’s allowed.
I’ll rain down my wrath on that snippy sales clerk-
Because I’m pregnant, it’s allowed.
And yes, I will claim that entire bus seat,
Don’t care if you want it—I’ve got swollen feet!
And if you have a problem with that, I repeat:
Because I’m pregnant, it’s allowed.

The nursery’s great fun for designing,
But I can’t lift or fix things or paint...
But I CAN give directions and lots of suggestions,
And if it comes out wrong, I might faint.

My emotions are truly all over the map-
Because I’m pregnant, it’s allowed.
Must be time for another two-hour nap-
Because I’m pregnant, it’s allowed.
We’ve started buying our Kleenex in bulk
For all the times when I just want to sulk
Or morph into a Maternity Hulk-
Because I’m pregnant, it’s allowed.

So I’ll cry when those Google commercials come on-
Because I’m pregnant, it’s allowed.
Or when I see kids playing outside on the lawn-
Because I’m pregnant, it’s allowed.
I’ll cry at the Hallmark kiosk in the mall,
I’ll cry if you forget to return my call,
I’ll cry for absolutely no reason at all-
BECAUSE I'M PREGNANT, IT'S ALLOWED!