Friday, November 19, 2010

Haikus about Homeownership

Sometimes, the knowledge that the Husband and I own a house fills me with a sense of pride and accomplishment.  I sit down by my fireplace with a glass of red wine and a book, and think to myself, "You're on your way to being a bona fide grown-up!  Just look at your conservatively-decorated living room!"

Other times, I just want to put on my ranty-panties and chuck power tools at the walls.  These times include:

- When something breaks, clogs, or otherwise malfunctions

- When something costs more than I thought it would

- When something spills on the carpet

- When paint leaks under the painters tape and I have to touch up the ceiling

- When the painters tape pulls off the dried paint that I just applied and I have to start over

- When we write another check to our dreadful "home improvement 'specialist'"

- When I look at our master bedroom, still awaiting paint, cleaning, and furnishing

- When I realize that it's Sunday at 11:30pm; and that rather than completely finishing ALL THE HOME STUFF that weekend, all I've accomplished in the past two days is eating, sleeping, petting the dog, and watching football.  And occasionally blogging.

Anyway, my home-rage boiled over a little while ago, so I decided that a haiku catharsis would be less destructive than setting fire to the bathroom.  Here we go!

Also, Pre.S.: If you post your own homeowner haikus in the comments section, there is a marvelous, marginally mystical DUCT TAPE prize that awaits the best one!

To Our Bathroom "Contractor" (June)
Sounds reasonable...
When can you get started, and
When will it be done?

Swirled Plaster Walls
When was this ever,
EVER a good idea?
Godspeed, young sander.

To Our "Contractor" (July)
"It costs what it costs!":
NOT acceptable, you twat!
Your estimate's crap!

Blue Painters Tape
You're made for painters
So why do you let paint through?!
Now my ceiling's green.

To Our "Contractor" (August)
You said we'd have it by now.
Really?  Where is it?!

Phillips Head Screwdriver
Why can I find you
Only when I need flat-head?
Where are you hiding?

To Our "Contractor" (September)
Apparently, you
can't do math or plan ahead.
How is this your JOB?

Antique Doorknobs (which are loose and wobbly)
Old, lovely, but weak --
You're like Cloris Leachman on
Dancing with the Stars.

To Our "Contractor" (October)
WHAT's not included?
Oh, but we "could pay extra?"
Leave your key.  We're done.

Clogged Garbage Disposal
I have asked nicely.
I've tried to clean you out.  Now

Clogged Toilet
Wondered why Husband
Was so eager to walk dog.
Now it all makes sense.

Clogged Vaccuum Cleaner
Thought that bagless meant
You would not cause me this pain.
But you suck.  Really.

Clogged *Fill-in-the-Blank*
Had no idea
That once you buy a new home
All that can, will clog.

You know what? I feel a little better now!  In a weird way, grumbling about things that are clogged managed to clear my head a bit. 

Maybe this weekend I will seriously get some stuff done on the house.  Or maybe I'll just watch the Ohio State game while I crochet Christmas decorations and eat pizza rolls.  Either way, as long as NOTHING ELSE CLOGS, I think I'll be okay.

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