Sunday, October 24, 2010

The Wedding Mishap Countdown!!! #9: Speech and Well-Wishing Misfires

So many things about weddings can be photographed and catalogued for posterity: the people, the cake, the flowers, the dancing, and so on.  But even though a picture speaks a thousand words, sometimes it is just not enough to capture what really happened at a given moment.  Sometimes, the most memorable mental snapshots from weddings are the words that are spoken.  Especially when they are spoken into a microphone.

Speeches and toasts have become an integral part of wedding ceremonies and receptions, as well as rehearsal dinners.  When given properly, a speech can induce laughter, "awws," or even tears among the listeners.  It can become a truly touching moment between the speaker and the newlyweds.  A memorable, heart-tugging speech can transcend the years, and even earn the speaker a free pass if they forget a birthday or anniversary down the line!

However, I'm not here to write about that kind of speech (though the Husband and I have been fortunate to witness many of them).  I intend to write about the cringe-worthy, awkward, did-they-just-say-that, verbal vomit attacks that burn themselves into your memory for all the wrong reasons.

It is therefore with snarky delight that I present for your reading pleasure,

Number Nine: Speech and Well-Wishing Misfires

(awkwardness and creepiness measured on a 1-10 scale) 

At Rehearsal Dinners:

Said the Father of the Groom:
"You know what they say, future daughter-in-law... before you marry a man, you've got to make love to him to hold onto him.  And after you're married, you've got to hold onto him to make love to him!"

Crowd Response - uncomfortable chuckles
Awkwardness - 7
Creep Factor - 8.5

Said the Minister, following a very touching speech by the groom's father:
"I'd just like to say a few words about the bride and groom... (seventeen minutes of unmemorable rambling)... well, let's raise our glasses to these young people finally honoring the covenant of matrimony."

Crowd Response - halfhearted applause, after nearly falling asleep over our salad plates
Awkwardness - 6.4
Creep Factor - 2

Said the Aunt of the Bride, after one too many glasses of White Zin:
"All new brides need to watch out for SSF.  It is well-documented that a woman with PMS has some mood changes, but SSF in men gets little attention.  Deprive your husband of sleep, sex, or food, and he will become moodier than any woman!"

Crowd Response - bemused laughter
Awkwardness - 9.4 for the bride, 8.7 for the groom, 2.3 for everyone else
Creep Factor - 4.  Nobody wants to hear their auntie talk about the birds and the bees.

Said the Grandmother of the Groom:
"My grandson has certainly found an extraordinary young lady.  She plans to work outside the home!"

Crowd Response - pause, wondering if there is a punchline to this.  There isn't.  Belated "awww."
Awkwardness - 7.5
Creep Factor - 0.  Grandma's not creepy.  Feminist cousin Stephanie is looking majorly peeved, however.

At Receptions:

Said the Best Man, to begin his Best Man Speech:
"Well, as Mickey Rooney put it, 'Always get married in the morning.  That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted the whole day."

Crowd Response - indulgent chuckles, hoping the speech is going to get better (it does eventually).
Awkwardness - 4
Creep Factor - 0.6

Said the DJ when introducing the bridal party:
"I tossed back a few already, so let's hope I get these names right..."

Crowd Response - anxious pause, hoping that he will indeed pronounce them right (Note: he does not).
Awkwardness - 6.  Jumped to 8 when he tries to mix the Electric Slide with "Funky Town."
Creep Factor - 3.  Jumped to 9.7 when the DJ blindfolds the groom, spins him around, and encourages him to find the bride by feeling up the legs of everyone around him.

Said the Father of the Bride, after drinking his emotions, to the Groom and everyone else within earshot:
"Look at my daughter.  Isn't she HOT?  That's yours now, pal!"

Crowd Response - trying to pretend they didn't hear anything
Awkwardness - 9.5
Creep Factor - 9.8

Said the Maid of Honor, Sister of the Bride, during her speech:
"To my new brother-in-law: Welcome to the family.  You definitely made the right call in saying 'I do' today.  Not just because my sister is amazing, but also because in our family... we come armed."

Crowd Response - genuine laughter, accompanied by quick glances at the bride's father, a card-carrying NRA member, to see if he is actually packing inside his tuxedo jacket (unclear).
Awkwardness - negligible.  The term "shotgun wedding" comes to mind, however.
Creep Factor - 0.  The speech is sweet and genuine.  I'm not just saying that for fear of reprisals, either.
... really.

Said the Sister of the Groom, at the conclusion of the reception, which was designated as "Adults Only," chiefly because this particular sister's children are spoiled little devils who throw food and scream like miniature Naomi Campbells:
"This was a really beautiful wedding.  It would have been so much nicer if my children had been here."

Crowd Response - stunned "Oh no she DIDN'T!" silence.
Awkwardness - 9.  Particularly for the bride, who has invited this sister-in-law to be a bridesmaid and will have to see her at every family event for years to come.
Creep Witch Factor - 10+.  This sister knew exactly what she was doing, and she saved her remark to be the very last thing she said before flouncing out of their reception.  I hope the bride gives her a copy of "Miss Manners" for Christmas.  Every year.  The same edition.  With a little bookmark that says "Maybe you'll learn something this year..." 

That's all I have for now, Internet-people!  Now it's your turn!  What is the most outrageous remark you've ever heard at a wedding?  There might be a little super-sweet PRIZE for the most unique response in the comments section!  Just sayin'...

Also, please stay tuned for the next Wedding Mishaps installment:
Inebriated Guests Gone Wild!  COMPLETE WITH CARTOONS!!!


  1. Hilarious! =) So GLAD I didn't do any of these things!

  2. ha ha, nice post. I have only been to one wedding and that was my sister's and no hilarious things were said, or maybe there was but I was only 7 at the time so wouldn't have noticed :)

  3. Oh my gosh, hilarious!! And I must agree with your take on the DJ. Not a fan...

    Can't wait to read more of your posts! Keep them coming!!

  4. Catherine - So glad you found my little slice of blog in the vast internet! You really should think about trying some of these out at weddings, though. Just think of it as... incognito performance art.

    Marsy (I'm currently imagining you at age 7, flinging rice/birdseed into your sister's face and breaking it down on the dance floor at the reception) - Tell someone else you know to get married so you can observe and report! Wedding situational humor + giddyfingers cartoons = bucketful of awesome.

    Sarah - You are kind! :) I'll keep them coming if you keep coming back!