Sunday, September 19, 2010

Surviving the Lunacy Motel

I'm still here!

We got back from Florida a couple of hours ago, having spent the weekend in a variety of exciting adventures, none of which culminated in stabbing.  The Luna Sea Motel, for all the ominous undertones of its name, ended up being both pleasant and non-creepy!

However, it should be noted that the Husband took virtually NO notice of my theoretically-valid concerns, and managed to leave me alone in the room WITH THE DOOR UNLOCKED, to go swim in the pool while I took a shower to get ready for the wedding!

Maybe he thought it was only fair, since a half-hour earlier, I had inadvertently led him to believe that I had been thrown in the back of a van and abducted.

Let me back up a little bit.  Earlier that afternoon, the Husband, the Sister-in-Law, and I were driving along to Cocoa Beach from Orlando.  We were going to the beach, and I was kind of super-excited, because the beach is one of my very favorite places, and Pittsburgh doesn't have any.  We got to the Lunacy Motel and checked in, so that we could steal commandeer towels from our room to use at the beach.  As we were leaving our room, I had a thought:

Me: Say!  What are we going to do when we get back from the beach and have to shower?  Our towels will be all covered in sand!
Husband: Hey, you're right.  I'll ask for some extra towels at the front desk.  Maybe you two should run ahead, though, so they don't see you stealing borrowing the towels.
Me: Okay, we'll see you at the beach.

The Sister-in-Law and I did just that, frolicking lickety-split across the road and in between two hotels to get to the beach.  At this point in time, it should be noted that I had the only room key in my purse.  "Come on!"  I shouted happily.  We had all of about seventy-four minutes to enjoy the beach before hurrying back to the hotel to shower and get ready for the wedding, and I intended to use every possible minute.

We sprinted through the hotel parking lot and realized, to our chagrin, that we had run down a dead end.  I wanted to punch the chain-link fences.  How DARE they separate us from the beach, when we were so close?  We ran parallel to the beach for fifty yards or so, and hopped the short cement-block wall of a parking port.  Did that get us to the beach?

It did not.  We instead found ourselves in what must have once been the parking lot of a beachside diner.  When we found it, however, it looked like someone had painted it with dirt and pitched bowling balls at the roof.  We ran warily around the ruined diner, thinking that once we rounded the corner, we would see the sand and the path leading to the beach.

We were wrong.  Instead, we found a path that led us from the abandoned diner through the backyard of an extremely UN-abandonded house.  As we ran through the yard, I realized out of the corner of my eye that an indignant family was glaring at us.  I crossed my fingers that they weren't gun-toting Deep South transplants who would shoot at a plastic grocery bag if it blew onto their property, and I kept running.  The Sister-in-Law followed.  Our route looked something like this:

Behold, we had found the beach!  It was glorious, hot, sunny, and (at least visually) oil-free.  We had even emerged upon a stretch of beach that was relatively deserted.  Evidently, this was because it was only accessible via death-defying sprint through the dunes, or through Apparation.  The Sister-in-Law and I lost no time in running full-steam into the waves, leaping about, and taking fantastic superhero pictures of each other with our towel-capes:

After about twenty minutes or so, it occurred to us that the Husband was yet to be seen in the vicinity.  I wandered to my purse and dug out my cell phone.  I had six missed calls, all from the Husband.  "Oh, no," I thought wildly, "They've detained him as ransom until we bring the towels back!"  I quickly called him, and it took a few tries before he answered:

Me: Are you there?
Husband: OH THANK GOD.
Me: What?
Me: ... Um. No.  I was taking superhero pictures with your sister.  On the beach.
Husband: WHERE DID YOU GO?!?!?!?!?!
Me: ... To the beach.  We ran.  I was excited.  Are you okay?
Husband: I think so.  Where did you go?
Me: To the beach....?
Husband: But there's no beach access here!!
Me: ... Well, that's basically true.

It then emerged that the Husband had retrieved towels from the front desk and gone outside to catch up with us, but we were probably somewhere between the Diner Ruins and the Lawn of Shame at the time.  He had looked up and down the extremely flat, straight street, and he was unable to see us in either direction.  Since we had not had enough of a headstart to have reached one of the official beach access points, the Husband inferred that we had been scooped into the back of a windowless van by burly surly men with strangler arms.

The Husband had then decided that the best course of action would be to call me -- but his phone was locked in the hotel room, and I had the only key.  He proceeded to beg another key out of the remarkably patient and un-stabby front desk clerk, and ran up to the room to call me.  I didn't answer (obviously) because I was too busy doing my best Super Grover imitation on the Atlantic shore. 

Around this point in the phone conversation, the Husband's tone shifted from panicked to relieved to grouchy.  He said he guessed he would come and find us, so we should make sure to be relatively visible.  The Sister-in-Law and I tanned for a bit, until it occurred to us (once again) that the Husband was still nowhere in the vicinity.  I sat up and looked around, feeling panic begin to creep up on me.  Had the HUSBAND been abducted, just to show me?

As I looked behind us, though, my fears were relieved.  A sullen, towel-covered figure sat sulkily on the sand not thirty feet behind us.  The Sister-in-Law and I went up to the Husband.

S-I-L/Me: We're sorry we worried you.
Husband: (sullenly) mprhpmerphpmnh.
S-I-L/Me: (removing the towel covering the Husband's head) Will you come for a swim?
Husband: (stubbornly) No.
Me: Please?
Husband: ... (with a long-suffering sigh) Fine.

We helped him to his feet and gathered all the towels.  All of them.  The Husband had forgotten that we were asking for towels for the SOLE purpose of having clean towels in the room upon our return.  He had brought them all to the beach.  So I think we all felt a little sheepish.  But he cheered up eventually.

That's what the beach is for!


  1. lol I love your route map. glad neither of you were abducted too

  2. I love this post. It made me smile. Also, I giggled a little bit.

    I am Fickle Cattle.