Monday, August 23, 2010


The Husband and I were on our way back from a car trip when we felt a sudden and severe need for caffeination/food.  We pulled off the interstate to discover a brilliant idea: a DRIVE-THRU STARBUCKS.  I have known of their existence for some time, but for reasons unknown I've never actually used one.  What a fantastic concept, that I can order my Grande Iced Doubleshot without leaving the comfort of my seat, or even turning down my "Awesome 80s" mix CD as we pull up to the pay window!

Anyway, as we pulled around the parking lot, we made a second discovery:

Husband: Oh, look!  The Starbucks is a combination restaurant! With... a Quiznos.
Me: This just became significantly less awesome.

If you are a Quiznos fan, you may want to stop reading at this point.  However... is there really such a thing as a Quiznos fan?  Their "toasty" subs are more like thick cardboard, sprinkled with assorted chopped things and dried in a slow-moving toaster oven to the point of shrivelation.  Quiznos subs taste like unmet potential and iodized salt.  And I've given them several chances, too!  I've said to myself, "Oh, maybe that last Quiznos I went to was a BAD Quiznos..."

No.  EVERY Quiznos is a Bad Quiznos.  Find me a Good Quiznos, and I will find you a six-legged unicorn. 

Anyway, after we glared at the drive-thru Quiznos like it was the awkward taxidermist cousin that Starbucks brought to the party to "make people-friends," I got my delicious Doubleshot and had a caffeine-fueled epiphany. 

Me: I should write a blog post about QUIZNOS!
Husband: ... Really? ... is there that much to say about it?

Well, I got on the interwebs when we got home (as I usually do), and discovered via Wikipedia that there is quite a lot to say about Quiznos; namely that, in addition to their offensively un-tasty food, they seem to be a monstrous, mis-managed, and money-grubbing mess of a company.  Since there is so much to say, I would really like to share it with you!  However, I cannot just regurgitate this information hand-over-fist like it's a spoiled Quiznos sandwich.  I need a benchmark with which to measure Quiznos, something/someone that is just utterly unnecessary, lacking in good taste, deserving of no fame whatsoever, and culturally ubiquitous even though everyone wishes they would just disappear. 

And then it hit me: the perfect Versus for Quiznos = Spencer Pratt.

"But, Inky," you might ask, "How can you compare a subpar sandwich shop chain to an overexposed reality TV personality?  Isn't that apples to oranges?"

No.  It's not.  Behold...



Quiznos: Largely negative.  Also, contains the word "No," which should be a warning to you right there.  Founded in 1981, the company seems unable to decide whether there is an apostrophe in ITS OWN NAME:

Spencer Pratt: Almost universally negative.  Or perhaps even worse, no name recognition at all; when I suggested to the Husband that I compare Quiznos ('s? s?) to Spencer Pratt, he responded with a blank stare and "Who?"  Plus, his last name is Pratt - that's British for "idiot."

Quiznos: Absolutely dreadful.  They have tried a myriad of marketing campaigns, ranging from the risque to the bizarre.  Recent Quiznos commercials seem to have made by stoners for other stoners with the munchies, as evidenced by THIS:
Spencer Pratt: Love him or hate him (but almost certainly the latter), it must be admitted that this man-boy knows how to promote.  He has built a, er, "career" out of publicity stunts, including handing out copies of his wife's Playboy issue, being baptized by Stephen Baldwin on a reality show, and threatening to release his wife's lesbian sex tape unless she calls off their divorce.  Probably not the best way to win her back, champ.  He even "wrote" a "book" called How to Be Famous.  Is anything this guy does actually REAL?  Regardless, the Pratt gets this point simply because he keeps finding horrendous new ways to eke a few more seconds out of his fifteen minutes.

Quiznos: A decent variety of sandwiches and salads, about which the KreepyKats above could doubtless tell you more than you ever wanted to know.
Spencer Pratt: However, as stated above, the Garbage Di-Spencer seems to have a neverending supply of, well, garbage, at the ready to chuck at anyone who will read a headline or gawk at a video.

Quiznos: Limited.  When you see a Quiznos, you tend to think, "Eh, Quiznos.  Isn't there a Subway up the street?"  And again, there is that little issue of them not knowing whether they have an apostrophe or not.  Srsly guys?  Just pick one way or the other.  Then I might not have to rely on Advil PM to get me through the night.
Spencer Pratt: Well, if I saw a Quiznos, I would evaluate if I'm really THAT hungry and wander away to somewhere else (anywhere else).  However, if I saw Spencer Pratt, I would run screaming in whatever direction promised the most distance between his mouth-breather mug and me.  Unless, of course, I happened to have a tomato.  In that case I would throw it, then run.

(All matched up here!  We need a tie-breaker!)
Quiznos: Has reportedly LIED to franchisees about how profitable the company is, with 25% of Quiznos franchises defaulting on their small business loans, and up to 40% of Quiznos not turning a profit.  See wikipedia for more.
Spencer Pratt: Always finding ways to earn money... but also always finding ways to spend it.  Like financing THIS
NO point awarded.

(Hmm... what's another comparison that might pull us out of this dead heat?)
Quiznos: TOTALLY wins this one!  They've had Jared, and Jon Lovitz, and Michael Phelps, and - oh, wait.  Those were all Subway.  Never mind.
Spencer Pratt: Endorsed by... his wife?  ... I'm completely kidding.  No one endorses this guy.
NO point awarded.
-1 SUBWAY for using Jon Lovitz as a spokesperson.  Really?!  HIM?  That is not what I want to picture when I'm about to begin a meal.  Or at any other time.
However, +5 SUBWAY for using Michael Phelps as a spokesperson.  THAT's what I'm talking about. :)

(Okay, I got it!  I know we will crown a winner with this one!)

Quiznos: No matter how bad Quiznos' (Quizno's'?  AHHH!) food may taste -- this category is no contest.
Spencer Pratt: Has absolutely no taste.

Way to go, Quiznos!  You pulled it off at the last moment!  Believe it or not, I was actually rooting for you. 

However, there is a bit of bad news... you placed second to Subway.  Ah, well, I suppose you're used to it.

1 comment:

  1. you called spencer pratt a mouth-breather. for that, you are permanently and henceforth forever known as the goddess of my blog-dreams. keep writing, i am loving it!