Wednesday, August 4, 2010

My Inner Elderly Person

In addition to the general growing pains of adulthood (responsibility, money-that-is-in-my-bank-account-but-not-really, showering), I have some unique qualities that make me seem old before my time.  I have no intention of curbing my inner elderly person, but these quirks may be sabotaging my attempts to achieve ridiculous success before age 30!  I'm at a loss for what to do -- I just can't imagine giving up all of THIS

1. Crocheting/Knitting - I love, love, love to make things out of yarn.  Not just cutesy little scarves, but severely time-devouring projects like blankets and tablecovers.  I'm like an extremely productive and dexterous cat.  You could leave me alone in my family room with a box full of yarn and a bottle of wine, and I would be good for about three days.  For the first Christmas with the Husband (then-boyfriend, age 19), he gave me Disneyworld tickets.  I crocheted him an afghan.  While my siblings received iTunes giftcards and video gaming equipment from our relatives last Christmas, I got a sweet hand-me-down knitting machine.  I will post a picture of this thing later, because it is the most in-your-face piece of crafting machinery you've ever seen.  It's made by Toyota.  Crochet hooks + yarn = euphoria, but knitting machine + yarn = universe-bending awesomeness.

2. Baking - No mixes or frozen doughs for me!  I bake my muffins, scones, brownies, and cookies from scratch!  I bake as often as possible.  And then I give the baked stuff away to people.  Like a girl-scout grandma.  Do you know any other twenty-something that bakes scones for fun? 
... really, do you?  Because I could use a new recipe.

3. Mary Maxim - not to be confused with Maxim, the "gentlemen's" magazine, Mary Maxim is a catalogue filled with all sorts of little-old-lady crafts, like needlepoint tablecloths and toilet-paper-roll-covers.  You can find everything from a Knotted-Cable Poncho to a Gay Pride Sock Monkey.  I love it all.  If I won the lottery, I would spend a shamefully large percentage of my take at this website.  Or, you know, if I won Publisher's Clearinghouse.  Because one of these days they ARE going to pick my name and bring me the huge check.

4. Glenn Miller and his Orchestra - nothing gets my foot jiggling for a dance like hearing a few bars of "In the Mood" or "Chattanooga Choo-Choo."  I have a Big Band station on my Pandora account, and I periodically consider quitting my job/s to start an Andrews Sisters tribute troupe.

5. Old Movies - some hipsters think it is "vintage" or "chic" to profess an affinity for classic cinema, and many girls who have never seen "Breakfast at Tiffany's" have that iconic Audrey Hepburn picture framed on their wall because they totally know who she is, and she's like freaking AWESOME! 
This is not what I mean by a love for old films.  I just mean that I would much rather watch "Casablanca" than "Avatar."  I genuinely enjoy Cary Grant, Spencer Tracy, and Katharine Hepburn.  Try to imagine a Katharine Hepburn/Katherine Heigl act-off.  Heigl would probably melt into a quivering heap of arrogant-yet-vulnerable jelly, while Hepburn received yet another Oscar nod and barked at Heigl to grow up.  They don't make films, or actors*, like they used to.

*exceptions: Kate Winslet - you are stunning.  Abigail Breslin - you give me chills.  And Zac Efron - I truly believe you've got it in you somewhere.  Keep trying, pal.

6. Game Shows - Not stupid game shows, but REAL ones like Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune.  I often yell at the TV during these programs, and occasionally I have my dinner on a tray while I watch.  They also make great background noise for while I'm crocheting.

7. Various likes and dislikes - I ADORE bingo.  I HATE driving.  Coupons are almost better than money.  Anything with a lowercase "i" in front of it (iPod, iPad, etc.) intimidates me, as does anything with a touch screen.  Loud, abrasive music and unshaven, long-haired young men bother me.  I would choose going to an orchestra concert over a hip dance club.  I avoid swearing whenever possible.  Letters in the mail are SO much better than emails.  And the early-bird special is a brilliant gift to mankind.

These abilities, habits, and preferences, which make me seem much older than I am, may indeed be obstructing my quest to be ridiculously successful. Unfortunately, I like most of them too much to give them up. That might just be my elderly stubbornness, though.


  1. I've got a serious case of the "Mean Reds," so I'd really like to join your Andrews sisters tribute group.

  2. I know a 20something with a blog who makes lots of scones:

  3. LOL! Yeah, I'm not quite *that* much of an old person, but I can, however, relate. I just prefer the company of my tomato plants to yarn.

    I made an awesome zucchini bread recipe: